The following is just an excerpt from my new blog which well, is very much my current rants
Laziness, procrastination, failures, being judged. There are multitude of things that hold me and stop me from trying and doing the things I want, but for today in particular, I want to talk about what stops me from blogging.
I'm a very visual person and I like my pictures and all to look good and perfect, however sometimes I feel so handicapped in the skills department. Be it photography, photoshop or editing skills, its just not there till the point that sometimes I view myself as a try-hard. Like I wanted to blog a post just now but it took me a whole freaking 2 hours to edit a single photo; imagine me editing a whole slew of photos. By the time I'm done I no longer have that drive to churn out the post.
Also I find it alot easier to converse something as opposed to penning it down cause I don't make sense even to myself sometimes. Yes laziness and all do play a part too but looking at all my half-written posts you can see how easily I give up midway. The fear of failing (or sounding stupid in this case) and the yearn for perfection is so embedded in me, and goes way beyond blogging.
I know when I restarted this space I wanted it to be purely "professional" but I realised I can't help it and sneak in a few personal posts. Anyways for a little life update; am currently still pretty much stuck in bed and a wheelchair from a day to day basis. This journey gets really dark and lonely sometimes and it really takes alot more than a "how are you" to suffice. I think my best medicine currently is accompaniment, which is lacking terribly. I just wish I had friends that would come over and do nothing every other day cause I'm really feeling stuffed. To be honest the past 2 weeks has been really really tough, and I'm trying very hard to walk out of it and keep my focus on somewhere productive. However I find it really hard to blog or start youtube because I really don't see much success or engagement with others, seems very much like I'm just talking to a wall. I need affirmation, lots of it
I'll try, try to focus on doing this whole blogging thing once more, and venture into doing videos (man I wish I was more interesting and good looking to do vlogs). I was very inspired recently by one of my friend whom recently won the #cnos4 (go google). Just felt so proud of her cause she managed to persevere in her passion all these years and now some sort of success. I wish I had such drive as a fellow taurian.
Alright its time for me to HOPEFULLY sleep soon. The next post will most probably be a food post
