You may be wondering where's part 1? Well I wanted to blog things in chronological order so that it's easier to understand, but I felt compelled to some what start with this post.
When I first started my blog, apart from the normal post that I would write about random events from my life, however as I slowly transit to talking about my emotions and what not, I realize that people just stop reading all this shit. Maybe everyone is thinking I'm dwelling in self-pity and overtly emo, but well it's ok, because only the people who truly care will bother about my feelings.
But even so, previously I would try my very best to not touch on the topic of friendship and family. Well firstly it's a very sensitive topic, and it's easy for people to just judge rather than understand. Moreover I don't really have any flair in writing, so some people might mistake my what I'm trying to say for something else.
Many stuff has happened recently, and I just don't really know how things would get to this state. It got me thinking. ALOT. Who am I actually? How do I react to things? Am I who you think I really am?
I am someone that is very stubborn, strong-headed. I have my own opinions in everything I do and I'm very vocal about it. Yea I'm definitely not the nicest person around, but I honestly don't think I'm that bad either. I just think most people are not prepared nor patient to understand me better. I have my own issues, very personal ones that I don't normally tell even the closest of friends, maybe that's why I have this strong wall of defense around me that no normal being can penetrate through. I have trust issues; I've been hurt and taken advantage too many times, the past, present and probably even in the future. Everyone has their issues, and it is these same issues that mould a persons character to what it is today. Most people might think I'm self-centered, and I know it might seem that way. However most part of it, I just don't want to be taken advantage of. It takes time for me to accept those around me, and people that I want in my life, for the rest of my life. I'm trying to be more selfless, more of everything I was in the past, but it really isn't easy. Do you know that even till today, even with the closest of friends, I still don't feel I'm respected, I'm truly cared for, I'm someone that makes an impact in your life. There are people who try to break through my walls, however it is not easy, and most of them aren't prepared for the possibly-arduous-process. I don't blame them, for I know it's truly a problem that starts with me. I just find it a waste of the many good stuff that could happen.
I've never been truly happy; even I do not have the answer for that. I always have to force some happiness in me whenever I'm forced in a social setting, something that feels so fake to me. However I still do it. I try to be the funny nonsensical guy these days when I meet a bunch of new people. Yea, they probably like that "Roy", however the moment I go back to my normal-emo-self, most of them are not use to it and they just break away. In orientation, in camps, I'm these overly high enthu being, that's cause nobody sort of knows each other and I just felt like me being that could help them break the ice. And maybe cause of the way I am then people would have a misconception of me of how I truly am, when I'm actually just a social turtle.
Ok I seem to be getting lost in my words so let's start the story of "friends".
I remember when I first met this friend of mine, probably 2 yrs back. I was just like "whoa ok, must be some popular kid, must be damn difficult to approach". Haha actually it isn't difficult to guess who this person is, but I would try to keep it as anonymous as possible. So at that time I was very new to this new environment, like everyone would be in a new school. But for me it was different, cause I didn't know anyone outside class. So for me to join the club it was nerve wrecking, since I had no friends. I remember I joined midway, and my first session I didn't really talk to anyone; it was so hard to break through, especially so cause I thought most of you were the seniors, you included! *haha
You weren't the first few people I talked to, in fact I had no recollection of how we started talking. But yea somehow we started talking and I thought that you were a very fun person, well it was expected. Haha you had such a high level of confidence, and I was damn impressed with your singing (ok actually everyone else included so don't get big headed!), and you slowly introduced me to the rest of the people in the club, that made me feel less awkward, and I had a reason to keep going for practice
Coincidentally, we were actually from the same course and same lecture. You started hanging out with me, and slowly the people around me, and to be honest at that point of time I felt you were closer to me than I was closer to you. Slowly I pondered upon why you would keep hanging out with us, I was wary, I was scared that you might end up being like people from my history; calling me "friend" just to know the people around me. I was afraid, and till a point where I was irritated cause it's seems like everywhere I was you would be there. Till one day you opened up to me, I knew the reason, and I didn't expect that to come from someone whom I thought was so confident and so popular. I understood and I tried to help you out. But still apparently people felt that I was treating you like dirt, and then the point where we all thought you were leaving for good, I was sad. You once said your expectations of a best friend, I know and I understand. I was disappointed that I'm not a "best" friend, but nonetheless it's just a label, and I'm glad enough that there's someone that I could share stuff with.
I planned a gathering for you before you left, though felt it was quite fail. Lol! Then I heard something like " you normally don't care don't care about him, then suddenly you plan something before he leaves, like act only, like wah you damn nice liddat". A remark that I was angry, but at the same time sad to hear.
Fastforward a little, and you came back after all. Haha I was kinda expecting it to be honest? But maybe you're back for a reason? I don't know, but after that things just start going wrong for me, the tables turned. Everything was going haywire for me and my class, and everyone else that I felt I was really really close to, that suddenly just turned their backs on me. I was glad you were around, for if not I wouldn't know who else to turn to. Slowly, I shared a lot, and really I felt that the walls were broken down a little. Haven't been like this for a long long time. Someone that I felt was listening not for the sake of listening, not for the sake of patronizing. But cause you bothered.
Of course we all have our bad points, and so do you. Haha. When you and 2 of your other good friends fell apart, I sorta understand why. I didn't tell you this, but I knew the whole story. I knew that it wasn't a one-sided cause. But I knew how you felt then and I promised to keep it a secret. Ok actually I felt that you were the bigger one at fault. However I tried though to make both sides at ease, and I felt happy that you all are better now, because I still feel that they care(d) for you.
It's easy for people to judge, and I don't bother making known to others what I've done for my friends. Because I don't think it's a great feat or anything. And I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I'm just writing this as a recollection, to our friendship. Don't worry there will be others that I will be talking about in future. Lolol!
I didn't expect you to be sad after talking to you yesterday, it was meant to be a happy day for you. I probably shouldn't have tagged along. I just felt weird and I thought it would be best to clarify. Probably dwelling in self pity throughout our conversation. Maybe I was afraid that we might grow distant cause of this. I admit I don't really have alot of friends, so I was scared that I might lose you too.
But I'm happy, for you, that you've found another 3 sparkles to add some joy in your life. Friends sometimes need some effort to co-exist (whatever that means). I can tell that you're always in a joyful mood whenever you are together with them, and I'm glad you found them.
I think everyone that walked into your life has a certain purpose. To break you up, only to have someone to rebuild you. To springboard you to others that would be there for you eternally. To let you see the true colors of people around you. Whatever it is, I guess everyone at the crossroad has a purpose. I think I knew what my purpose was, and yours too.
Thank you for being there for me, and maybe it's time we move on.
I have no idea what definitive conclusion there is to this post.
"All the best, and stay happy :D"
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